My Sweet Heart

I love him more than words can ever describe. His smile and thick black hair frame his soft skin and single sweet dimple.  His angelic smiley eyes.  His thick soft lips.  His nose identical to mine.  “I’m trying my best,” he says as he plays his clarinet.  “Mommy was I good today?” as he wants to please me. “I love you so much Mommy. Hug and a kiss.”  His words to me every night before bed.  The happiness and gratitude that spills from big heart when he’s thankful for something he’s been asking for.  All 9 years old of him.  My tall muscle toned model of a boy.  He eats all day plays all day.  He laughs and scripts.  “Anthony, let’s play with the cats.”  Little boys at the park chase and follow him.  My adventurous no fear son who yearns for speed as he takes in the wind as he whooshes past everyone on his bike.  As he jumps with all his energy balled up and released into the water.  “Look how far I swim Mommy!”  “One more minute.  After this race!”  My xbox and you tube obsessed kiddo.  My love for this kiddo is never ending, just like his passion for his nascar and Kyle Busch.  I’m beyond lucky to be his mom.  He’s my sweetheart.  He stole my heart the minute he was born.

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Even if Today, I Know that Tomorrow…

Even if Today, I Know that Tomorrow…

Even if today, it seems everyone and everything has failed us

Turned their backs on us
My surroundings are grey and cold

Everything is heavy

My body is numb

From over drive mode

My Heart is gutted

After that heavenly break was taken from underneath me

Mind is stuck in that zone

After negativity robbed it

And filled it with dread

With fear of the future

Suspicion of everyone’s intentions

The block I built towards trust

Shattered to pieces that

Will take more work, more time

To reconcile

I know that tomorrow,

Maybe the day after tomorrow

I’ll regain that strength, that power

To look future in the eyes

With conviction that you’ll live independently

Look fear at its peak

And weaken it with my

Perseverance

My love for you my son

That one element in my bone

That even if,

After being broken down

Will replenish itself

To reunite me with my unbreakable passion

To pull my will power from the root

And trust both will lead me

To unbelievable heights

To provide you with promise, tangible possibilities

And a fulfilling future

Even if today it seems that autism beat us,

I know that tomorrow life will uplift us again

Mama Needs A Break Just for a While

Is it okay
If I choose to be lazy about autism related things for a while
Can I get a break from it all
And just not care
Not work so hard to be that advocate
Just for a while?
Is it okay that I let my strong
Willed fighter mama bear side
Go on vacation while I worry
About mindless things like
Which outfit i should buy
I’m usually “on” and I’d like to just be “off”
just for a while?
My mental & physical state is SO used to battle mode
That when things are actually quiet
I almost search for challenge
I feel odd like I don’t deserve this normal thing called peace
I ask for just a while
Because on this autism avenue
Good times are short lived
Before the bad piles on
Like there’s no seeing the light
No climbing out of the dark
So when there’s opportunity to break away
It’s unbelievably nice, foreign but simply breath taking
I promise after that break
I’ll return to that warrior mom
Everyone’s used to seeing